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What is BDSM? A beginners kinky guide to getting started with BDSM

Posted by Mistress Scarlett 11/11/2018 0 Comment(s) BDSM,

What is BDSM?

 

BDSM originally stood for the terms bondage, discipline, domination, submission, sadism and masochism but is now generally accepted to mean any sexual practice or interest that is outside of the mainstream. Interestingly enough, not all BDSM is about sex and there are many aspects that are enjoyed by BDSM lovers that has nothing to do with sex. We will however, in this beginners guide, mainly focus on the more erotic side of BDSM, which is usually what draws people to a more alternative choice in the bedroom and even outside of it.  BDSM play can take on many forms and incorporate a wide variety of kinks. It doesn't have to be about tying someone up and having your wicked way with them, although this type of fantasy is often what gets people curious about the lifestyle.

 

So are you curious and wondering what BDSM is all about? While there is no actual BDSM guide, there are a number of important factors to look at before jumping in blindly. We can consider this a beginner’s guide to BDSM but it is far from complete and will only offer some guidelines and insights for people who are new to BDSM or curious about it. BDSM guideTo start off with, you need to let your imagination be your guide and don't get bogged down by the way BDSM is portrayed in porn or in sensationalized movies which have minimal bearing on what BDSM actually is. You do not need a dungeon, you do not need special equipment and you do not need fetish clothing to start with. If you really get involved in kink, you can always add these things in later.  You can always start with things you have in your home. Use the back of a brush for spanking or a tie as a blindfold. All it takes is a little imagination. Let's look a little more in-depth in to BDSM for beginners.

 

BDSM, what is it actually? We will do a quick breakdown of what the term means before we get in to the beginners BDSM basics. Bondage and discipline refers to restraining a partner which can be done in many ways, from fluffy handcuffs to rope, and for the more advanced, you can try Shibari and other forms of decorative bondage, which is artistic as well as effective. The discipline part can be physical, mental, emotional or a combination of these. This often forms part of training to change behaviors to suit the partner that is in control. This can also simply be erotic such as spanking and flogging for enjoyment. While it is not recommended for beginners, this type of discipline can also lead to sadism and masochism as well as humiliation play and more.

 

                             what-is-bdsmWhile there are many types of BDSM, most BDSM play for beginners will focus on the dominant and submissive part which means that one person is in control (the Dominant) and one person is being controlled (the submissive). In the lifestyle, male dominants are usually referred to as Doms or Masters, while female dominants are referred to as Dommes or Mistresses. Submissive are usually referred to as subs or slaves, depending on the level of control. There are other terms used as well, but these are the most common. When you are just starting out with BDSM your role may not be defined and may actually fluctuate. A switch is a person that enjoys being both dominant and submissive in different circumstances.  For BDSM plays, it is good to establish one person as being in control and the other person as being the submissive, even if it is just for the sake of role play at the beginning.

 

 

Sadism and masochism is usually not the first port of call for those starting off in BDSM besides perhaps a light spanking. This part of BDSM refers to giving and receiving pain. Masochists enjoy and often experience erotic pleasure from inflicting pain while sadists enjoy receiving pain for a variety of reasons. For some it is the pleasure from the hormones released, for others it is the joy their partner experiences and for others it is purely letting go of themselves for a period of time. BDSM can include a combination of these aspects and can include some or all of the above. There is no strict lines drawn, BDSM is what you make of it.

 

                             Okay, now let's look at how to BDSM up your bedroom and beyond. This is the beginner's guide to what is BDSM that was promised. The following is a guideline which will help you get started and also assist you with protocol and the basics for BDSM play.

 

Take it slow

Do not run out and outfit a dungeon or buy up every BDSM toy you can find right at the start. begineers-guide-bdsmEverything comes with time and experience. Even something as simple as spanking does take practice and needs to be done well for full enjoyment. You don't have to try out every kink and fetish over the space of a weekend. There are many deep, dark desires and plenty temptations in the BDSM lifestyle, but take your time to explore, learn and enjoy and you will get a lot more out of the lifestyle.

 

 

Consent is Key

This should actually be step one, step two and step three in the guide. Before any BDSM play starts there needs to be consent. You and your partner need to be fully aware of all risks involved in the potential play. All parties have to be informed and agree to what will be happening. There needs to be no coercion. Consent needs to be freely given and the persons need to be of an age and in a state of mind that is acceptable for giving consent. It is not acceptable to manipulate someone in to giving consent or to play with someone who has given consent while under the influence. BDSM can involve risks of a physical, mental and sexual nature so no play is ever to take place without consent given willingly before anything starts.

 

Enjoy it

BDSM is not the same as you see in the movies, there will be some awkwardness, you may feel silly and you may make mistakes but BDSM is about fun. Explore some fetishes, delve in to your darker desires but most of all, and enjoy it. If you are not enjoying something, try something else. That is what makes BDSM so much fun, there are endless kinks to try and you are sure to discover one or two along the way that really make your toes curl. Don't be afraid to talk to people in the community to help ensure that your play times are safe. They may even give you some naughty ideas to try out with your partner.

 

kinky-bdsm

 

Power play decisions

If you get in to the power play part of BDSM, it is important to have a dominant and a submissive during role play, even though you might want to switch roles next time around. Before play starts, both parties have an equal say in what is going to happen and all possible risks need to be discussed and consent given. Once the role-play starts, the one in control needs to take the lead and be in control of the play. You can choose to end your role-play at any point if it is uncomfortable for either of you. At a later point you might want to look at pushing boundaries and limits a little, but this is not recommended when you are just starting out in BDSM.

 

Have a safe word

It is important to also include safe words when negotiating a BDSM scene or session. Many people use colors such as Red to indicate an immediate stop, orange or amber to indicate that they are close to their limits or to slow down and green to indicate everything is okay and to continue. Others choose more elaborate safe words to prevent accidental use of the words during play. It is important to note that the safe words not be overly complicated so that people cannot remember them should it become necessary to use them. If people are unable to communicate verbally during a scene due to a gag or similar, it is important to establish non-verbal safe words that can be used.

 

 

BDSM is often restricted to the bedroom for many people although some do go as far as 24/7 BDSM where there are protocols and behaviors required even when not role-playing. This is generally referred to as lifestyle BDSM. You might only enjoy role-playing in the bedroom or you and your partner might want a full time Master/slave relationship or even an Owner/puppy relationship or a Daddy/baby girl dynamic. There are many variations and some work for some people while others prefers no dynamic at all. You can try a few different roles and see what appeals to you and you may also decide at some point if you want it to be permanent roles within the home or if you only want to practice your kink in the bedroom.

 

 

The key to BDSM is being open and honest with your partner. Discuss what turns you on, and what does not. Have a conversation about triggers, health concerns, previous experiences that may be relevant and especially your hard and soft limits. Your partner will need to be as open and able to discuss these aspects with you as well. Talk about your wants and needs and what you would like to try and see where the two of you match up. Soft limits may eventually fall away, but ensure that hard limits are established and update continuously so that you do not overstep these boundaries at any point.  Start the chat with simple fantasies and go from there. BDSM is not something you experience in one day and then you've done it all. There is so much to learn and explore and how much you learn and explore depends on you.

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